W. C. Fields

I never worry about being driven to drink I just worry about being driven home…

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a…

Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a…

Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to…

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting…

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against…

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women…

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money…

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it…

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it…

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and…

I like children – fried…

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally…

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food…

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty…