Steven Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my…

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses…

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time…

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths…

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time…

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country…

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he…

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere…

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone…

How young can you die of old age…

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included…

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to…

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went…

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in…

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I…