Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the…

If God dropped acid, would he see people…

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time…

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy…

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on…

What’s another word for Thesaurus…

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to…

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said…

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction…

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit…

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday…

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done…

I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I don’t have that much…

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything…

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m…