George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad…

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands…

Electricity is really just organized lightning…

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth…

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As…

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans…

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that…

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an…

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that…

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time…

Religion is just mind control…

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves…

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on…

There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past…

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first…