Demetri Martin

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone…

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See…

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it…

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly…

I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars…

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you…

Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to…

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a…

I didn’t do improv in college, I never performed, I didn’t do theater either. I…

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am…

And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I…

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your…

People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find…

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny…

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the…