Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life…

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home…

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it…

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out…

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the…

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician…

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing…

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her…

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people…

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me…

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the…

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger…

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an…

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her…

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm…