Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had…

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend…

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle…

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things…

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator…

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites…

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing…

Probably the worst time in a person’s life is when they have to kill a…

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand…

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and…

Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in…

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps…

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at…