Elayne Boosler

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who…

When the sun comes up, I have morals again…

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something’s…

I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight…

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn’t have that rule when Jesus…

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out…

Stand-up is like a movie every night. You write it, direct it, produce it…

I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It’s not the key…

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a…

I am thankful that geniuses and artists and good people, no matter how hard it…

I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was…

Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television…

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix…