Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight…

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and…

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once…

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your…

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves…

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor…

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance…

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight…

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has…

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades…

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the…

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in…

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes…

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to…

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next…