Henny Youngman

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep…

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret…

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him…

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student…

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays…

If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving…

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the…

I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does…

I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock…

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll…

She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face…

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money…

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up…

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His…

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago…